Monday January 08, 2024
Whoo! Hi everyone, and happy new year! It's been some time since I updated here. I started school today - not school school, but basically I had a surgery that caused me to skip a class so I want to make up for it now so I don't have to stay another semester. It's a humanities class about art and ethics with a teacher I've had before. He's super funny and engaging and I'm going to enjoy this class a lot. Since the content is so condensed, I'll be able to do the work on time and really show him what I'm made of so to speak, because I only got a low 80 in the previous class due to missed assignments.

Other than that, things have been pretty normal. I'm noticing slight changes with the meds, mostly that I'm more prone to have bad days when I've been skipping them. That might just be a placebo effect type of deal, though, so I'm going to bring it up on my next doctor's appointment. The weather is so bleak - it snowed a ton this week, the offshoot of a storm that hit the States. I'm glad it did finally snow, but it feels odd that it went without for so long, because it is odd. I'm trying to read more and watch more movies. I have a plan to watch one movie every week and I've roped my partner into the scheme. So far we've watched 'Frances Ha' and 'The VVitch'!

Friday December 22, 2023
It's been a while since I updated here! A lot has happened in this past month or so. I finally got diagnosed and am now on meds. I feel a lot of complicated different ways about that, but mostly I feel like the shock still hasn't passed. Not shock as in I didn't know what would happen — I've known that what I have is depression for years and years, and even the OCD didn't come as that much of a surprise. It's more the confirmation that what's happening to me is a real thing that is happening, and that I'm not just making it all up in my own head. I still have trouble believing that a bit. I guess part of me is always going to believe that I'm somehow doing all this to myself for attention or something, even though that doesn't make even a bit of sense.

I haven't noticed much of a difference on the meds yet, but we're titrating the dosage up and I'm still only on the first of the three-step titration, so I guess I wouldn't really notice a change yet. Other than that, I'm trying to read more since it's more or less my winter break now. I had my English Exit Exam yesterday, which is this real boring essay you have to write in order to graduate. I think I did well — I wrote mine on Italo Calvino's "Going to Headquarters". I've been meaning to read his books anyway, and I did enjoy that story! I've been keeping a physical diary this month so that I can better sortof vent out my frustrations and have a track of them. A lot of the entries end up being super long, but I like taking the half-hour to reflect at the end of every day. I think it's a habit I'm going to try to keep up.

Monday November 27, 2023
Hail and happy Monday... Doctor's appointment today went well, it was just a follow-up so nothing drastic. Got my prescription updated and stuff but it's the same med. Today was a good day, I spent two hours with E in the library talking about both silly and serious things which is something I really value about our relationship. We discussed the book I'm reading (Kissinger's Shadow by Greg Grandin) and about a whole lot of stupid things. I was waiting for the bus on the way home and her English class had ended at the same time so we ran into each other on the bus and got to talk the whole way to her stop.

I lugged The Priory of the Orange Tree around with me all day today because I'm actually hooked on this book. I just got the Sabran and Fýredel's confrontation and for real my jaw is on the floor and this is not even that drastic. I really like the book because it really abides by the traditional conventions of high fantasy while still being extremely original and compelling — those things put together make it feel like slipping into a comfortable bed! I love high fantasy :-)

My QA project is due tomorrow and I need to get it done now — it's not hard but it is very long. I have a lot of lab reports overdue as well ... Well, not a lot, but enough that it's stressing me out. I've made a list of everything I have to do. The thing that's really bugging me is my programming project, which, like I said in the last entry, I really have difficulty understanding. Anyway I guess I should go work on that now!

Sunday November 19, 2023
Once again I come crawling here because I have a test tomorrow ... This one is also kind of a big deal because if I don't at least pass there's a chance I might fail this class and well I simply cannot do that. It's so frustrating because this is the first time I'm in danger of failing because I actually don't really understand the material - every other time has been personal issues that got in the way. Anyway so I'm freaked!!! I have most of tomorrow until the time of the class to study, too, but I'm still really nervous -_-

I need to come on here and write something that's not just complaining but it's my diary and I can do what I want and I'm honestly not convinced anyone reads past the first line of these if anyone reads them at all. I've been meaning to keep a diary for forever because I think it could do me some good and I do feel like getting to vent here helps make me feel a little better if only because I feel like my feelings are being "recorded" or "validated" in some way or the other. It's hard for me to keep a paper diary, though, because the slowness of actually writing my thoughts down discourages me from writing them at all - it makes them feel stupid or like I'm doing it all just to put on a performance. I've noticed that's a real issue I have with regards to how I perceive myself and logically I know that it doesn't make sense - Why would I make myself suffer on purpose, with no cause? - but I have trouble wrapping my head around it. Of course I feel a physical diary serves a lot of merits, and that that very slowness is what lends it a lot of its purpose. It's introspective and intimate, that's the point. But at this point, I do not feel capable of having one, so this is what I'm doing in the interim. Maybe I'll even decide to keep up both at the same time one day, one for more polished recordings and one for more fast-and-loose ones.

Today I'm frustrated because of the test and then because of Boisvert. I feel like thinking about it so much and so often and in such depth has made it slide into focus, which normally would be great, but I don't want Fairyland to feel clear. It's supposed to feel like a place you'd hear about while half asleep as a child and are only remembering now. I think a lot of this might just be that I am not a good enough writer just yet that I might be able to encapsulate this feeling while still going into as much depth as I want with the story, but part of me worries that it's completely impossible. And it makes me sad, too, that other people know about it, even though it was my own choice to start talking about it publicly. I really like when people talk to me about it or ask me questions, but at the same time I miss when it was just me and a handful of my friends, or just one friend, or even just myself. I miss when it felt like it was completely mine, which it still is, I know, and there's so so much to Fairyland that will never make it into the book, but I still feel sad about it.

I'm also kind of unhappy with the way this site looks now. I really liked each part of it as I made it, and I still do, but I feel like I have a different vision for it now. I think I'm just being melancholy right now which is why I feel gloomy about it. When I feel better, I'll be happy that I have the opportunity to remake the parts of this website that I want to change or update. I like seeing the way the aesthetics of my spaces change as I move through different phases. I think what we can expect for the next iteration of Fairygore is something that's a lot more medieval. I've been reading Le Morte d'Arthur recently, and it's been putting me into a mood! Anyway, that's all for now I think - I think this is the longest entry I've ever written! Over and out ^_^ !

Saturday November 18, 2023
There's a strike next week that'll last from Tuesday to Thursday inclusive. I'm happy I'll have the time to catch up on whatever work I'll have left over. Me and E are planning to go to the library together so we can both do our homework. I'm really stressed about everything all the time now which is I guess not that crazy different from what it's usually like but idk it gets frustrating. It is frustrating.

But apart from the negative Nancy-isms everything seems to be going okay :) I'm kind of fed up with the homepage for this site which is silly since it's new but I want to make something I'll want to keep. It'll probably be okay even if I change it all the time, though, because mostly I think it's fun! So maybe I will do that soon. I still need to make my Boisvert page but I have no clue what it should look like so I'm sort of stuck on that front.

I also need to make a book review/reading log!! Right now I'm reading The Color Purple for the first time and really enjoying it. Anyway, I guess that's all for now!

Thursday November 9, 2023
I have a test tomorrow that's on six sets of 70-slide lectures and I have not even finished studying one. It's ok ^.^ (insane). IDK I did super good on the first one and he gave us a list of questions that I've answered so I'm hoping I'll pass and make up for all of it with the final exam and so and such. I wish it was easier for me to study -_- I really try but it's so hard for me to concentrate. It snowed again today, and it hasn't melted yet — it's 90% certain it will all melt again soon, but it's making me sad because I miss summer already ...

Also, I have no new podcasts to listen to. I've been listening to a lot of Behind the Bastards but I've listened to nearly every episode that interests me. I feel like everything is just getting more and more boring and realistically I know this is just because of the depression but I hate it!!! so there. I've been trying to have a more positive attitude and outlook but it's super difficult sometimes and I have so much respect for people who are able to at least appear optimistic. I've been thinking about not talking anymore, not going completely silent but just talking less which is a bit funny because I do not talk very much in real life unless it's with my close friends or family, but I feel like I need to get more stoic and maybe this could fix me. It's 10:20 right now and I technically have lots of time to study but I think I will just look over the questions again and then go to sleep. Maybe I'll wake up at 5:00 tomorrow morning so I can study some more before having to go. Again, I think it'll be okay if I fumble this one a bit since I got a 90-something in the first exam, but I'm still disappointed in myself for not studying harder while still having the same expectations for myself I had years ago when I could actually live up to them. I hope the appointment on Monday pulls through, because I do not want medication or help but I know it would be irresponsible to not pursue at least one at this point. I hope something goes different this time and I get something that could help me, since winter and spring are the most difficult seasons for me in terms of mental health.

I feel like this entry got really grim! I am mostly okay and am doing a lot better than I was, but I feel weird tonight and I don't know why, really, other than the test, of course.

Monday November 6, 2023
It's a strike day today, so no school! Technically I did have a class taking place at 3:30, but I don't feel like going all the way to school and back just for one class. Since it's a general strike across institutions, my siblings are both home from high school as well. It's been a weird kind of day, but not a bad one. I'm really thankful for how peaceful this stretch of weeks has been, especially after all that happened in October. I don't like that so much of my life where I feel ok feels like a period of waiting between periods of feeling bad. It's hard for me to understand how I can get to a point where things are that awful from this vantage point, knowing full well it'll happen again and again. IDK, just something I've been thinking about.

Tuesday October 31, 2023
Happy Halloween everyone! Today was fun, a bunch of people in class brought cupcakes and chocolate and stuff to celebrate the day ^.^ It was super chilly out too, it felt a lot colder than 0°C which is what it allegedly was. The bus was super late today like by 20 minutes or so and I don't understand how people can be so rude that openly. When I got in line there were maybe 5 or 6 people in front of me, but by the time the bus came there were 25 people there at least. I understand if people want to talk to their friends and I don't bat an eye when it's one or two people; actually, on any other day I wouldn't even have cared that much if that many people cut in line. But the line itself was maybe 50 people long and it was freezing and the bus was so late and everyone was tired and wanted to go home and all these people just pushed in front to talk to their friends without caring about, again, the dozens of people waiting their turns. It made me really mad! Public transit on busses mostly taken by students makes me mad in general because people are so inconsiderate. Something I've noticed is people will put their bags on the seats next to them even when there's people standing on the bus. It's not that difficult to put it under your seat or even to ask the person closest to you if they want the seat before you put something down on it. This morning, the girl sitting across from me had put her small bag on the reserved seat for vulnerable persons and that made me really angry, too. Anyway, so that was my rant about public transit I hope we all enjoyed it?

Apart from that, today was kind of uneventful. I have to apply to university tomorrow which is really scary, but I'm not applying for a full program just yet, just for a certificate that'll let me take some of the classes I need to do the programs I have in mind, or at least to pick between them, because I can't really do anything right now. I'm putting off doing my French homework by writing this entry -_- it's not even that difficult, but I just don't feel like starting it. It's due tonight at midnight, so I'll probably just end up turning it in late tomorrow. I'm really struggling with deadlines right now.

I never really know how to end these things. I guess I'm done for today ^.^ I hope everyone had a great day!

Monday October 30, 2023
It snowed today! Well, not snow, technically, technically it was a flurry, but it was still so crazy waking up to see the world covered in white, even if it was only for a few hours in the morning. It was super cold, compared to how cold it was before, and I had to dig out my big coat so I wouldn’t freeze. It was really wet all day, too.

I had an exam today and I think I did really good on it — the teacher misprinted the papers by accident and didn’t realize until he’d given all the tests out, so it got pushed a half hour ahead while he scrambled to print the proper copies out. I still finished before everyone else lol but it wasn’t a very hard test, to be fair. The hard test is the one I have tomorrow, and then next week on Monday. I’m procrastinating studying a little right now by writing this.

Today was an alright day ^.^ the weather was weird like I mentioned, but I got to study with my friend E for a while which is always fun and gets me more productive than I would be on my own. Because I started my notes with her, it’ll be easier for me to start working again when I post this entry. I went to the mall after that and called J, which always makes me super happy :-) the most delightful feeling is when you’re done talking to someone you love and your chest feels all full afterwards.

That's the backyard this morning before I left for school and this evening once I came home. Anyway, over and out for now ^.^

Saturday October 28, 2023
It's been a while! I completely remade this page because I thought the old one was ugly LOL. Not really, I just thought that, for a diary, it was quite impractical and besides, it didn't feel right enough. It didn't feel like it was mine, so to speak. I'm a lot happier with how this one came out, though ^.^ !

It's been a really difficult week, and I'm glad it's over. I'm feeling a lot better than I was earlier, and we're taking steps to make sure that things stay okay. I'm really nervous about some of that stuff, but I know that things have gotten to a point where they are necessary, and I'll thank myself for having done them in future.

It's the time of fall I always really like, where the trees start changing colour and it alternates between being sunny and cloudy, chilly and warm. These past few days have felt almost like spring because the rain made the ground all muddy and wet and green, like the grass once the snow has just melted, and the breeze has been warm. It's a lot cooler out today, and we raked the backyard this morning because it was covered in leaves.

It's the second wave of exams these next two weeks, and I need to start studying for those -_- they say there's going to be a strike on the day of one of my hardest tests, but the teacher told us to study as if the strike weren't happening.

These are some photos from this week — the first is from a walk I went on with my friend yesterday, and the second is from when I was passing through the park on my way home a few days ago. I had to upload these as screenshots of the original photos, because the original file size was way too big to load quickly enough for easy viewing.

Wednesday September 20, 2023
I thought I was going to update this every day but that ended up being a very ambitious plan so the new, non-ambitious plan is to update just whenever I feel like it. I'm super tired because I was up all night last night which technically was my own fault for having caffeine right before bed. I had a really bad headache today because of that and have mostly just been floating through things happening to me.

The sun is setting earlier and earlier which is a bummer because it means winter is coming, but I really love seeing the sun start to set over the river. It's starting to get chillier in the mornings too.

I'm still reading a lot of Atwood. Right now, I'm reading Old Babes in the Wood, which was released this year. I'm really really enjoying it so far. Usually with story collections I like some and others not so much, which is normal, but there hasn't been a single miss so far!

I don't really have much else to say. I've been feeling weird these past few weeks. I think it's probably because of the changing seasons.

Tuesday September 05, 2023
We had a heat wave today! It wasn't very bad on the way home, but my dad still picked me up from the bus stop. It was bad in the morning around 10:30 when I left for the bus stop. Worse, even, because I had to wait twenty minutes in the sun because the previous bus had come five minutes earlier than scheduled.

There was no internet in the whole campus today. Usually there's small outages confined to specific buildings or even floors of those buildings, but all six buildings of the college were out today. My teacher for QA was especially peeved about this because he couldn't give us our handouts or anything. Me and my friend E made a study date for this Saturday so we can work on our lab reports together — I'm grateful because I'm worried I'm going to start falling behind again.

Other than all that, today was pretty uneventful! Looking forwards to what tomorrow will bring (no I'm not I haven't done my homework yet HALP!).

Monday September 04, 2023
So we were supposed to go to Mt. Laurier today because of the Labour Day holiday, but there was sooo much traffic both going on- and off-island that it took an entire extra hour to get there. They're doing construction all along the highways which is always super annoying because construction here is infamous for going wayyy over-budget and over-schedule. Anyway, a lot of other people were either returning from weekend trips or going for day trips today, so we decided to ditch the Mt. Laurier idea and went to Mt. Tremblant instead, which is a popular tourist destination here.

We did some hiking, but we spent the most time sitting near a small waterfall and enjoying the sights and sounds. I took photos — I want to make a gallery page on here to organize my photos. We got to do luge as well which was fun because I haven't done that since I think I was a pre-teen!

I really adore going on drives around here. I love being able to look out the window at the sky and the clouds and the mountains and the forests and the rivers big and small snaking their way through it all. I love driving through little towns and getting to look at the houses and imagine what my life would be like if I lived in one of them. There's something really mediative about it that clears my head. I took the oppurtunity to mull over some plot-points that have been bugging me in Boisvert and I think I've worked out some of the kinks I was gnawing at. I have an idea that would make a really interesting twist while also explaining a few holes in the story that I wasn't sure how else to fill in.

It's really easy to imagine, while hiking on more remote trails, that there might be fairies or dragons or other such things lurking long-unbothered in the depths of the trees; forests have a way of making you forget rational thought. I know it's silly, but a small part of me still likes ot think there might be even more magic in this world than is already explained by science and math.

School tomorrow -_- I don't have anything to turn in, but I don't feel like going...

Saturday September 03, 2023
I saw my friend at work today which is always such a shock because it makes me feel like I'm the last thylacine dying in captivity -_- anyway today was like fine I guess, I'm tired now. We're going to be going to Mont-Laurier tomorrow if the weather is alright, so I'm looking forwards to that.

I asked my dad if he had any blank CDs lying around and he said he did! I'm going to be using my old laptop because it has a CD drive, but basically I want to start burning CDs of my favourite albums and podcasts so that I can make cover art for them and have them around. If it goes well, I'll get a portable CD player from somewhere ^_^ I'm looking forwards to it! So far I want to do Boreas by The Oh Hellos, SAWAYAMA by Rina Sawayama, and the first season of Welcome to Night Vale. I started re-reading Piranesi as well.

I'm sort of starting to stress about school. I'm determined to stay on top of my course load this semester, and my mental health has improved a lot over the course of the summer, so I'm hoping I'll actually be able to stick to that resolution for once. I have a few lab reports due this week, and a project for my programming class that I haven't started yet. It's frustrating, because I have to wake up at 6:00 and come home by 6:30 every day and that starts grating on me once I'm a few weeks into the semester.

Mostly I'm looking forwards to fall because that's when I get to bring out all of my fun outfits without melting in the sun ^_^ also I've made plans with a few different friends to watch Over the Garden Wall, and to watch The Conjuring films with my partner.

Saturday September 02, 2023
Today was super windy, which was a nice change! I really loved hearing the wind in the trees in the backyard through my open window. I didn't have to go to work today so I thought I would get started on some lab reports I have due, but I ended up spending most of the day working on the Neocities, whoops -_-

I made my about page as well as this whole diary section! I'm super happy with the way they turned out. I want to go back and edit the main index, but I know if I started going back to change the look of things, it would be difficult to go back to making new pages, so I'm going to finish all of the main pages that I want to make, and then I'll start going back to revamp old pages as well as making fun things like shrines.

I have a few different ideas for shrines, actually, but the ones I want to start off with are for Over the Garden Wall and Welcome to Night Vale. They've both played such a big part in my life and influenced me so much that it would be unfair to do anything else! I have some layout ideas knocking around, but nothing too concrete just yet.

Overall today was pretty good ^_^ I have to go to work tomorrow, but I can wake up at 9:00 AM so I'm happy about that.
a pink ribbon.
three embroidered  silver stars
Cowboy Says, You're Gonna Get Over It Someday,
You Might As Well Get Over It Now
return to home?