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OCTOBER, 2025
How I wish that I could be lionhearted.
Tuesday the 7th
Not sure what's wrong with me or why I feel so upset. Every day feels the dans since M and P went. J kept me company today and I had a lovely conversation with B. Everything that happened was technically good, but then why do I feel so UPSET. Word of the day: CUNT. I wish I could be happy. Something is wrong with me. Really wrong. Remembering what they said - I'm fucking crazy. Fuck you. I wish someone would slap me. Reading this back - maybe I am crazy.
Thursday the 2nd
M and P leave tomorrow. Something heavy in the air. Haven't been spending time with anyone. Fight with S - threw something after she threw it at me. Things were good a little while ago. Catastrophe! I am so needy.
SEPTEMBER, 2025
You are a brave girl. So much is changing.
Tuesday the 30th
I think M needs a psychiatrist. My 298 prof called me into her office (class cancelled; no electricity) and I was so scared because I thought it was because of something horrible but it was because she forgot she gave me permission to send my assignment through email because I had a doctor's appointment and it looked like I was failing the class because of that. Everything turned out play and she said I got some of the highest grades in the class! Watchedthe horrible War of the Worlds movie with J and laughed so much. M is feeling weird I feel so sad about the way that things are I don't know what to do. I feel very lonely, but also not. I am so sad. I am so sad. Yesterday was our anniversary - 4 years!!! I am such a lucky girl. I know it might never happen, but I want to marry him.
Sunday the 28th
Today was good :-) no weirdness + went to the library and the shops with M. Pizza for dinner. Asked P about the moon landing. Don't want to go to school tomorrow -_- but I will persevere.
Saturday the 27th
Headache that stayed with me all morning. Listened to the full audiobook of a book about the moon landing. Feeling very strange. She's talking to me again, but she still treats me like a dog. I suppose I will have to live with it.
Didn't really talk to anyone all day. Had work (hence; audiobook). Trying to write but my brain is not cooperating. I feel like a bitch. A bitch. Bitch bitch bitch. It is hard to see other people struggling with things.
Friday the 26th
She's still angry with me. I don't understand how you can talk to someone you claim to love the way that she talks to me. I'm not really sure how things escalated the way that they did, but I have to live with them. I know that in a few days everything will retun to normal; maybe even tomorrow. That's the way things go. No one wants to address anything or to apologize or even to talk about it—you run from it and you run, and when you're sure everything's been tamped down and smoothed over, you act as if it never happened at all. It's the coward's way out. I'm glad it is this way.
No class today (H298, ENV). Slept until 10:30 and then took a shower. / compulsively, twice. Did not speak to M during her lunch. She did not speak to me, either. Spent all day doing nothing, really. J asked to watch a movie while he painted, though I didn't watch it, and I don't think he did either; but it was nice to have it on in the background because it is nice to go through named segments of time. They said they liked painting, which made me so happy.
P asked if I wanted to go with him and S to her tutoring because she goes to the big library along the bus route and I've always wanted to see inside. He offered because I'd asked once before. It was very nice in the library; goldenwarm. Giant windows. Leaves twirling in the wind. It was a rainy day today. I finished my book while there (THT, MA) and then P asked me if the book was mine; I said no, I showed him the sticker on the spine, I said, It's from the public library. He grew upset, as if I've never been in a library before, as if I don't spend half my life in libraries, said, They'll think you're stealing. I didn't answer. He continued, Why did you come if you were going to read? Why didn't you stay at home and help with the housework?
And how to tell him that I feel like a pig, that it would have been worse if I'd stayed? Knot of anxiety in my stomach the whole time; as we left the house, M called to S that was I going to, and of course I was going, and that I never stay home to help. I am glad I have work tomorrow. I miss it. It's so regimented; it gives me time to listen and to talk to people who don't know me. I think my manager fixed my schedule for next week because of the greve.
I feel badly. I don't know why. Or, I do, but I don't.
I feel stupid and listless. My brain is like a brick.
Today was a day for Gregory and the Hawk. I listened to this on loop and it's made me feel a little better.
Monday the 22th
He told me to shut up and I shouted at him.
AUGUST, 2025
The month is good and I will be good.
Wednesday the 6th
Catastrophe. Black mood. I will never be good.
Monday the 4th
For a long time I couldn't stand to write anything about my life. I think things are OK right now, but it is August again, and so things are going to die soon. I finished reading my 50th book of the year this morning ("Washington Bullets", Vijay Prashad) and am so proud of myself because this is the first time I've read this much since early high school. It's hard to grow up because I keep sinking into old, old grooves. It's nice and it's not nice. All the old mes holding my hands still.
School is starting next month and I cannot wait. When it will start I will be so scared and upset all the time, but I think I like that. I want to do something. I want to do something. I want to do something. I'm going to be someone. Every single time school comes up, I have to explain to them that I'm only a year behind everyone else. All undergrads take three years, but they act shocked every single time. I don't understand what they want from me—this was the same issue when I was pursuing a STEM career. They refuse to understand that the only job in the world that leads to direct employment is medicine in this day and age, and it sucks and I hate it, but I didn't make the system. Obviously people are enrolled in these degrees because they want to learn something or become something, and I want to learn something most of all, but I can get a job even if I don't go into postgrad studies. Beyond everything it is so frustrating to constantly have your interests and hobbies mocked (at best) on the basest level. I can't do anything without attracting ridicule. It's exhausting it's exhausting and I feel silly for taking it so seriously. I love them but it's exhausting.
THINK GOOD, BE GOOD.
MAY, 2025
...
Thursday the 22nd
Woke up early and went downstairs to see M. She was cold, and stayed off and on all day. We went to the mall and I tried hard to fill in the gaps between words. We found a gift and came home. I thought I'd bake but it turned out P could not take her to ODIM so I had to. The bus was nice but it was so grey and rainy I felt sick, and sicker because of St A's. I hate the effect it has on me. Waited an hour for the doctor. Adorable baby running around while her mom chased her. I used to be that small. More carsickness on the way back. Asked M to pack my lunch and she did. Boring shift. Phil is my new manager. They're so overbearing about shifts now. I always feel in the wrong.
At home, I read and quizzed S on the cardiovascular system. She told me a horrible story about high school friend drama. A girl she considered her friend is back-biting her. I pray everything is good for her. I want her to be happy. I want all of them to be happy. J had a bad day. I feel disgusted with myself for how I act. P is so tired. I started crying while writing this which is silly. I just want everyone to be happy. I hope tomorrow will be good.
Wednesday the 21st
Woke up to the sounds of yelling. H is callous with his medicine, he does not care about us. I heard a voice that made me so sad I could have died. Went back to sleep, somehow; I did not want to face the day. "Why does this happen on every khushi ka moka?" When I woke up, I was alone. I had yoghurt and called J. We watched some of a bad Netflix romance and then most of a Nixon documentary while I prepared sugar cookies and, after they went to sleep, bell pepper pasta. H came home and was sullen. When M came on lunch, I heated some pasta and she refused it. "You should have asked first."
I prayed Fajr, Asr, and Maghrib. P called, asked after H's exam. Bone-weariness. "Other people's fathers..." M was in a better mood when she came back. I showered, cleaned. Asked her to oil my hair. Accidentally said something which triggered her anger. I can never do these things right. Cried, stupidly. Made a study guide for M's science and math exams. Drew silly drawings in the margins. Set her up at the desk. I love her. Read for an hour. Tomorrow it will be just me and M. Please, God, let it be nice.
Tuesday the 20th
Woke up at a good time. Made pancakes for breakfast — they were not very good — I was following a new recipe. They were meant to be fluffy, but I could not handle them in the small pan with the same ease as the woman in the video. I ate a bit with maple syrup. After that, I cleaned some and then lay in bed with my phone while my heart pounded with a single-minded ferocity. I couldn't understand why — I was just sitting but I was so afraid of everything. I decided to walk to the library. Grey, overcast day, heavy with the promise of rain to come — J said something nice about how this means rain, and rain is beautiful, and the plants will be bigger afterwards. I sent them voice memos about silly things, like my pancakes and the Liver King documentary, and the RN app idea.
M called me at the library, upset because she'd forgotten her keys and I wasn't there to open the door. Anxiety came back, but for a reasonable problem this time. I got "Madwoman" by Chelsea Bieker, "Nuclear War: A Scenario", and "'I Heard You Paint Houses'", as well as Atwood's new poetry collection. I sat there and finished "A Touch of Jen", the ending of which underwhelmed me. I got home and made myself busy — I made dough which I might make into bread tomorrow. M came home and ignored me some, which made me feel crushed. When she finally spoke and demanded a response, my voice pitched into tearfulness. She became gradually softer after that. I am like an insufferable child. S is having friend problems — I hope hers will end better than mine. I worked on the app some, and then I started "Madwoman", which I like so far. I'm planning to call J tomorrow. I hope I will not act awkwardly. I'm feeling broadly resentful of the world. I had horrible, vertiginous dreams. Restless and strange. I feel too seen.
Monday the 19th
Fell asleep early last night. Waffles for breakfast. We went to the outlets and walked around some. S stayed home to study. Grey, overcast day. When we got home, I asked M to drive me to the store so I could get glue for my lighthouse model. We ended up walking around the mall for a while and I bought a lovely pair of pants with six little brass buttons at the waist.
I haven't written anything original (or good) in so long that I'm scared I'm forgetting how. It's like my brain is atrophying. I'm losing everything that made me a real person. I don't even think a lot anymore. I used to be able to entertain myself like that for hours, even just last year, but now I can't do anything but sit dumbly. / It's like a compulsion.
Sunday the 18th
I woke up with a headache and it didn't go away all day. Work was a complete drag and I felt sicker and sicker all the while. I feel bad every time C, who works there, too, looks at me — I always think about what my life could have been like if things didn't happen the way they did. When I got home, we went out for pizza. H said something about how he won't care abot this when he's older, which both S and I contested. I'll miss it so so much. We were talking nonsense and laughing the whole time — I drew that silly Y/N meme girl into the condensation on the window, to her delight. When we got home, I broke down her study schedule for science and then we watched videos on YouTube. We started playing Disco Elysium together, too. We'd tried once before, months ago, and got as far as looking at our face in the mirror, but she grew bored. I think it was just the wrong time because we got much further today and she liked it and laughed and seemed genuinely interested.
I find the longer "If on a winter's night a traveler" goes, the less I like it. The first 50% of the book was absolutely wonderful. The latter half isn't bad, certainly, but it is less suited to my tastes in a way that came across as surprising to me. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. It'll be a fun day, I'm sure, but I'm so vaguely anxious and stressed about nothing at all. Every day passes by fine, but my emotions are so up and down and I feel completely frayed at the edges, like I'm being pulled in so many different directions at once and the outline of me is falling all apart.
Saturday the 17th
Thunderstorm in the morning. World was emerald green. Went to the bookstore with H. He got a manga. I got "Legacy of Ashes: The history of the CIA" by Tim Weiner. It was between that and a thick novel about the Romanovs. His nose started to bleed in the store; warnings everywhere. Unravelled the colourwork again. Got so upset. Watched a few episodes of H's show, but I hardly understand what's going on because I wasn't paying attention during an important episode. I feel like there's so many signs and I can't put them together. Something wicked this way comes.
Friday the 16th
Nothing very interesting. Woke up at 9:30 AM and had watermelon for breakfast. Cleaned my room and changed my sheets and felt nice about it. Did the workbook chapter sensibly. Made plans to watch the Liver King documentary with J. Last night I started reading "The Post-Office Girl" by Stefan Zweig and I really like it so far. Obviously I can't speak to the quality of the original text word-wise, but the translator did a wonderful job at capturing the perfect rhythm and cadence — it's a hypnotic read, and I'm liking it a lot. I'm reading the Internet Archive's copy, which is a scan and easy on my eyes. I like it much more than reading on the library apps. I also started catching up on Dracula Daily. I liked when Dracula signed off with "Your friend, DRACULA". I would do that alllll the time if I was Dracula. Feeling nice today. I'm happy to be alive in the world.
Thursday the 15th
I woke up very late today (10:00 AM) because I was up very late last night. I was sure to set my room in order before going downstairs for breakfast. I tried making pasta but some of it burned and I didn't add much garlic so it tasted bad. Called J and had a nice time until we started doing the workbook, at which point I felt myself growing sullen and recalcitrant as a poorly-behaved child. Total apathy. Void feeling.
When I went out to throw out the recycling, I heard a weird scream and looked down just in time to see what a gopher dashing underneath the hole in our front steps! Another portent: I was talking to P about the hole just a few days ago. Amused myself for the hour of M's lunch by trying to get a photo or video of it by lowering my phone with flash on from above and blindly trying to angle it to where I thought it could be. The first time I went outside during my break, it was just outside its hole, and ran inside as I stepped out. I caught a video of it shrieking.
I felt somewhat better after this and was able to work on my project some. I think I am getting better at conveying space. I'm very excited to make progress on it. I read a comic — "The Paradox of Getting Better" — and cried. It moved me. I realized later I had been lousy and disrespectful towards J's efforts, and the very least I could do was try. At work, a woman wanted an item that had been $50 cheaper on the sale that had ended yesterday. My coworker got me because the customer was not listening to her and she thought I could talk some sense into her since I have a better track record at positive customer interactions than her (she is quite shy). The customer mocked me by parroting my words back at me in a high-pitched tone. My patience wore thin and I eventually directed her to service, assuring her they would tell her the same thing I had (that she had missed the sale and there was nothing to be done). While driving me home, P told me it was four gophers: two adults and their young. I'll call the city tomorrow to have them rehabilitated. Under our steps is not a nice place to raise a family.
I think I will be able to finish "If on a winter's night a traveler tonight". I was listening to the audiobook while at work because I mistakenly assumed the club would convene tomorrow (rather, it's on the 30th). I am 76% through for now, and still enjoying it as much as ever. I want to revisit some portions of the audiobook which I couldn't listen to with my full attention. Calvino mentions a story from the writing of the Qu'ran I had not heard before; asked M about its veracity and she, too, denied having heard it. I looked it up and was able to find the original story. It is different from how Calvino portrays it, but the effect is largely the same.
"For many years Cavedagna has followed books as they are made, bit by bit, he sees books be born and die every day, and yet the true books for him remain others, those of the time when for him they were like messages from other worlds. And so it is with authors: he deals with them every day, he knows their fixations, indecisions, susceptibilities, egocentricities, and yet the true authors remain those who for him were only a name on a jacket, a word that was part of the title, authors who had the same reality as their characters, as the places mentioned in the books, who existed and didn’t exist at the same time, like those characters and those countries. The author was an invisible point from which the books came, a void traveled by ghosts, an underground tunnel that put other worlds in communication with the chicken coop of his boyhood...."
Wednesday the 14th
Woke up at an okay time (9:15 AM; could be better). J was awake already and we spoke after I had breakfast. Talked about design stuff -- I feel unhelpful. Afterward, they asked me to read aloud to them from Part 3 of "If on a winter's night a traveler" (my favourite chapter so far). I can't really explain it right now, but I feel connected to it. It's portentous, and it's beautiful. I wish I could write like that, but my writing is shallow and peripheral these days. This is what I say every day.
After this, they kept me company while I baked upside-down pear cake. It came out very good. The brownies are disappearing fast. I think I will have to distribute the cake amongst the neighbours; no one in this house is a fiend for it, but everyone acknowledged it was good, except for H, who doesn't like anything like that to begin with.
The call was nice and I was happy. I had a really nice afternoon. The Lalaloopsy doll I ordered came in the mail right as I put the cake into the oven -- also a portent (!). P made pizza in his oven. I coded in the evening -- I am working on a recipe book. I am taking steps towards being a big person.
J asked me to start filling in a workbook for the problem and sat with me while I did the first chapter. It made me feel stupid and small. 7/9 is not a good fraction to exemplify. I feel like I could fix everything if I wanted to. I think I have been this way for so long that I don't know how to feel any other way, and I don't know if I want to, either. How do you go about fixing someone like that? I can't take it seriously because I don't really want to change. I had such a nice afternoon. Now: melancholic. Wrung-out. I feel like a rotten fish. Bloated in the middle; insides lying inert inside of me like so much alien radial cartilage. How can I keep living like this?
Tuesday the 13th
I woke up late again. I spent two hours wandering the house without really doing anything but looking at my phone and feeling miserable for it. J offered to call but I made up an excuse and declined. Room was an absolute hovel. Couldn't stand to look at it. Dolled myself up and went out. It was a beautiful day; hardly any clouds. Sky blue as anything. Hot. Mr. D's cherry tree is dropping petals like snow into our backyard. Wore a scarf so I could feel more comfortable. Went to the store and bought chocolate chips. Crossed the parking lot and imagined I was crossing a desert. Idled in the bookstore. Considered buying a book about Watergate; but I have enough. I think I'll find it at the library later. The bookstore depresses me the very most; everything is so expensive.
M had an appt. for Fr. Sat with her and asked some questions to clarify for her. I hope she will do it. Made brownies. They came out very good, but I do not have the stomach for much these days, and I was never one to eat baked goods excessively in the first place. S and P both liked them. S says she will take some for her friends tomorrow. I'm glad. Some of the cake went to waste and it made me feel awful that I couldn't eat it.
Spent the evening coding. Didn't speak much to anyone, but I was glad for their company. I am so afraid of being a grownup. I keep crying thinking about how small I was. I wish I gave everyone an easier time. I wish they were more than just content.
Started reading Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler" last night for bookclub (o_o;). Enjoying it immensely. People told me for years I would, that it was exactly in my lane. I took it to heart, but kept putting it off. It feels alive.
"[A]ll places communicate instantly with all other places, a sense of isolation is felt only during the trip between one place and the other, that is, when you are in no place."
To go or to stay? Something wonderful comes this way.